The Sex-ahon Line

An interview with Farhan Akhtar, an Indian actor, brought out a curious phenomenon unfolding in India these days – separating the sexes and chaining down the fairer sex. While the actor fumed at the developments, I’m happy that it’s happening.

Yeah, you heard me. I’m happy that finally women are being chained down by diktats and are being denied access to proximity with men. It’s time to draw some lines around here.

And why not? There are scores of lines (both real and imaginary) drawn around the country to tell our intrusive neighbors to keep their hands off. Like the McMahon Line that separates India from China in the north-eastern part of the country.

So, isn’t it time we drew some (lines) INSIDE the country? After all, we’re a country known for “lakshman rekha“, “maryada ki rekha“, and all kinds of “rekhas” (including, of course, the glamorous actress of yester-years who goes by the same name).

So, let’s draw one to chain down the women of India (by corollary, to keep the men away) and call it the “Sex-ahon Line”.

Back to the Akhtar interview where he lambasts certain enlightened institutions for segregating boys and girls at college assemblies.

Is Akhtar out of his mind? What better way than this to teach our youngsters that “male” and “female” are not two genders of the same species, but two entirely different species themselves. Species which needed to be quarantined lest we have unsolicited mutations. Or unsolicited solicitations.

These enlightened institutions are thus well within their rights to draw an imaginary Sexahon Line between jostling teenagers vying for their first up-close-and-personal whiff of the other sex. The message? Hands off!

There are other enlightened souls these days going around suggesting that girls should stop using cell phones. Reason? Boys will send them lurid messages and entice them into scandalous relationships.

Solution? Simple. Snatch the cell phones from the girls. How dare they take advantage of technology and put themselves in a position where they become easy targets for innocent boys who cannot reign in the urge of their loins! I agree. One more Sexahon Line to draw. Hee hee!

The enlightenment is not over. The very same enlightened souls, who seem to be experts in male-female interactions and dynamics, have also suggested that women desist from wearing colorful clothes or jeans or skirts. Reason? They will be the cynosure of roving male eyes.

I’m beyond ecstatic. This is tailor-made to draw that saucy Sexahon Line on female dress code and send a much-needed love tip to young Indian boys. Girl in colorful clothes? Okay to ogle at. Girl in monochrome? Not okay to ogle at. Wait for the color, silly!

But, some people just don’t learn. Like the participants of the “The Kiss of Love” campaign held recently in Delhi and other parts of India. Said participants smooched in broad daylight just to spite moral cops who were against public display of intimacy.

Hell, what’s wrong with what the moral cops said? The audacity of said participants! Especially the women. Don’t they know that their lips have been lined with not Maybelline or Revlon but with Sexahon which is designed to keep in moisture and keep out male overture?

The best of line-giri is yet to come. Sample this. The honorable chief minister of an equally honorable Indian state came up with this peach of an idea in the wake of crimes against girl children at schools: have only lady teachers, chuck the men out!

That’s right. Out with the male brigade from all schools! Enter the Sexahon Line. Targets being the unfair sex this time.

Why stop at schools? Out with the men in all places where there’s even a remote chance that a hapless girl child will stray into their territory – hospitals, hotels, factories, apparel stores, malls, libraries, coaching centers and what have you.

In fact, why bother ourselves with cherry-picking? Let’s target ALL professions. Let’s create rampaging hordes of unemployed men who now have more time on their hands to plot their next lusty move. For, that’s all they’re born to do.

Before I run this piece off to press, here’s a final howler: a well-meaning institution has barred undergrad girls from entering its library. Before you start frothing, here’s why they did it: girls at the library were attracting (or would attract) more and more boys to the library.

Scratch your head all you like but didn’t you see that invisible Sexahon Line at the library’s door? Isn’t it logical and humane to deny girls learning opportunities when they’re guilty of… well… being girls? Who asked them to dress up and look pretty and attract the love-struck males around when quarantining the sexes is the way to go for a healthy and orderly society?

In toto, I’m quite happy with what the lovable Sexahon Line has achieved. India today is totally crisscrossed with perky, saucy lines of all sizes and colors, each with its own proud legacy of creating gender divides which are oh-so-wanted these days. Who needs old-fashioned concepts like love! Or sex!

The sexes are dead. Long live the Sexahon Line!

NOTE: This post is part of the Here and Now series (a satirical take on everyday happenings) on this blog. Read the previous post in this series: Down In The Dumps? Take A Dump! Read the next post in this series: The “Maa-Behen” Of It All.

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