Hiss Of Love (The Indian Chamcha’s Take)

2756144771_a7ee033e9f_mPhone calls from people who you thought had long fossilized themselves in the upper echelons of the corporate world are always unnerving. Not to mention hil-effin-arious.

This one came from a batch-mate of mine. We go all the way back to business school, yet hadn’t managed to keep in touch during the years after. Until now, that is.

Said batch-mate was a die-hard ‘Chamcha’ (that’s what a butt-kisser is called in India) at work, so much so that we’d rechristened him ‘Bruce Chamcha’ (Die Hard? Bruce Willis? Get the connection?). Anyway, a well-meaning chap, even if generally confused most of the time.

So, Bruce Chamcha called. He had just returned from Australia and was apparently gung-ho about a new campaign called ‘Kiss of Love’ that had taken urban India by storm. Before I could explain to him that it was just a protest against moral policing by publicly kissing your loved ones and not an avant-garde reunion of butt-kissers to celebrate sycophancy, he was off.

Here’s what transpired between him and a right-wing nuttie who was protesting against the ‘Kiss of Love’ protest.

An obviously hostile right-wing nuttie: “So you’re one of those young ‘uns, huh? Who want to get some cheap thrills in the name of liberalization of society?”

Bruce Chamcha: “I’ll have you know, mate. It’s not a cheap thrill. The kissing we do is an art. Not everyone can do it.”

Right-wing nuttie (nose wrinkled in disgust): “What’s there to it? You put those silly lips together and press.”

Bruce Chamcha: “Yeah mate, but you need to know where to press.”

Right-wing nuttie: “What do you mean?”

Bruce Chamcha (smiling self-righteously): “You need to know which cheek to kiss. And which part of that cheek.”

Right-wing nuttie: “Cheek? You fool! This is lip-to-lip kissing we’re talking about. If it’s just a kiss on the cheek, who in his right (wing) mind would protest against all this kissing?”

Bruce Chamcha (thinking this must be a new way of butt-kissing that he’s unaware of): “Lip to lip? That’s a novelty. How exactly do you do that, mate?”

Right-wing nuttie: “Trying to play fresh with me, eh? You select the loved one you want to kiss, go near her lips, and press your lips against hers. Don’t tell me you haven’t done it. And, stop calling me ‘mate’. Makes me queasy, especially during this protest.”

Bruce Chamcha: “Go near her ‘lips’? Isn’t that going too far, literally and figuratively? I mean, I can understand sniffing around the cheek and licking it once in a while before you get to the actual kissing, but going near her lips?? Whoa mate… err… homie, sorry but that’s gross.”

Right-wing nuttie: “Ew! You actually plan to do all that you just said on the streets here? You have the cheek… err… nerve to call me gross.”

Bruce Chamcha: “By the way, why are you saying ‘her’ lips? I don’t have a female boss. I kiss up to my male boss.”

Right-wing nuttie (eyes wide in horror):Arey kuch tho sharam kar (have some shame)! You guys are dragging your bosses in today for your obscene antics?”

Bruce Chamcha shrugs.

Right-wing nuttie: “That too, male bosses. Come to think of it, I’ve always felt these kind of protests were gay and loco. But, how did your bosses agree to this in the first place?”

Bruce Chamcha (sympathizing with the nuttie’s ignorance): “That’s how things work out there, mate. Bosses are always ready to get kissed. It’s in their blood. It feeds their ego and confirms their position of power.”

Right-wing nuttie (thinking he’s now seen them all): “You need to kiss your boss to make her feel like a boss? Hmm, that’s new. Doesn’t sound so bad, either. I mean, I know a lady nuttie in my organization whom I’d love to show she’s the boss. And make her feel so.”

Bruce Chamcha: “That’s the spirit, mate. You’ll soon rise to the top without much squirming.”

Right-wing nuttie: “Hold it right there, mate… err… dude. Don’t get all Freudian with me. I get it. You don’t need to bare it all. But, tell me. Why exactly did you join in for the ‘Kiss of Love’ protest today?”

Bruce Chamcha (now confused): “‘Kiss of Love’? I thought this was the ‘Hiss of Love’ protest.”

Right-wing nuttie: “What’s that now?”

Bruce Chamcha (with a grave look on his face): “You know what happens when you give your boss’ butt a kiss of love, right? Newton’s Third Law. An equal and opposite reaction from your boss. The ‘hiss’ of love. I wanted to protest against that. We can take anything in return for our servility, but not that.”

Right-wing nuttie: “Boss’ butt?” (faints)

NOTE: This post is part of the Here and Now series (a satirical take on everyday happenings) on this blog. Read the previous post in this series: The “Maa-Behen” Of It All. Read the next post in this series: A Case Of Sour Rapes.

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